People frequently ask me how or when I converted to atheism. My sister asked me by way of an email just this evening. A neighbor asked me three days ago in my driveway. A friend at work asked for the 30th time after a meeting. People are fascinated by my conversation to Atheism. Only... it was not a conversion. I simply realized I was an atheist and subsequently stopped being a Christian. it was a long time ago, and the facts are a bit muddled by a serious head trauma I suffered when 18, but I can relate what happened.
I became a Christian on a mountain top in a thunderstorm after unintentionally taking a hallucinogenic drug. I was in a mixed youth group and the odd man out since I was from the "poor church". The experience was mystic and wonderful, but faded to a dim memory quickly after the drugs wore off. I did not Know I was on drugs during my conversion. I found out years after the event. I am glad I found out, and... god help the youth pastor who gave me the hit if I ever meet him again. I was 16.
I few months later, after attending a youth beach party, I said the prayer again. I subsequently spoke of my conversion in front of a large group of people at my church. It caused my girlfriend to break up with me. I was 17.
Things moved fast after that, I met Jim Jones and helped raise money for his cause, I started dating a Christian girl, who turned out to be rich, spoiled, and totally screwed up. My family self-destructed in a very public way. Our church turned its back on us. My relationship with my sisters effectually ended. I started to work full time so that I could stay out of the house as much as possible. I lived in my car to avoid going home. Most importantly, I started to think for myself because I realized I was alone. I was still 17.
I started to read. I started to ask questions about my faith. Some things just did not make sense. I started to spend a lot of time on my own. I spent a summer talking with my best friend Jon, I surfed, played basketball, and did a lot of thinking.
Jonestown happened, I could not get it off my mind. I felt guilty, I still feel guilty. I met my future wife right before graduation. It was love at first site for me. A few months passed, and then I got hurt in an accident, nearly killed in fact. I spent a long time recovering.
One day I was talking to my future wife about religion. I said some things that upset her. I spent a few weeks thinking about it. I tried to call an old youth pastor for advice, he blew me off. I drove down to Newland avenue in Huntington Beach and spent the night in my car in front of the power plant. I read the bible by flashlight. I awoke the next morning expecting to surf, but it was blown out. As I waited for waves, a young man with a bible tried to witness to me. I was sitting near the showers as the sun came up behind me. It's the first time I can remember acknowledging that I no longer believed in god. I was 18.
Jim Jones followed me around for a few years. I kept running into people who had been involved with that fiasco one way or the other. The worst was a man named Bill I worked with my second year in the USAF. Bill unloaded the bodies at Dover AFB when they returned from Jonestown. He unpacked the body bags and "slabbed the bodies" He was so screwed up.
I don't know the dept of the role Jim Jones played in my loss of faith. I can tell you that I dream about him to this day. It is because of Jim Jones and the other self serving ass hats that I started to ask questions. Once my intellect kicked in, any thoughts of god left.
I have not maintained any significant relationships from my Christian days, not even in my own family. I started fresh, and I'm happier for it.
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