Sappy and sophomoric - this song has the power to make me cry. Collective Soul - The World that I know. Number four on my top ten list is a deeply personal song which helped me with a problem I rarely discuss publicly - depression.
I did not realize that mild depression was common in atheists. I have since come to realize that many of the people I know as atheists have suffered some form of depression at various times in their lives. My depression tended to originate from my existential world view. I would start thinking about the pointlessness of life, which would lead me to spiral down a dark hole of numbness which always ended with depression. It could last for days or much longer. I was not fun to be around at times these times. I would grow sullen and quiet, sometimes, all I would do is sit in the dark - angry.
Depression plagued me through the mid 90s. I knew something was wrong, I did not have a means to pull myself out of what amounted to a self defeating mental spiral. I needed hope. I did not know how to find it. Church was out. My family helped, but it was music that gave me the tools to fix my thinking. Collective Soul provided the words (and video) I needed to start me down a new path.
So I walk up on high
And I step to the edge
To see my world below.
And I laugh at myself
As the years roll down.
cause its the world I know.
Its the world I know.
On a particularly bad day in the mid 90s, I called in sick, drove to my sacred spot in Joshua Tree National Monument, and sat on a rock. I listened to the words of this song over and over. eventually, a large desert raven landed on a rock outcropping a few feet away. It startled me with its beauty. I realized that, like in the song, all that I have is right in front of me, that beauty is as real as a sunset over jagged rocks in a lonely desert. Beauty is as real as the smile on my lovers face, and it is a fleeting as that last look at a loved one before their death. Beauty, is worth living for. Life has meaning beyond procreation. Meaning I can explore and enjoy. Somehow I had missed this when I was younger. I understand it much better now.
I learned to be mindful of world around me. To appreciate the ugly and the beautiful. I learned to see things far differently. I picked up my camera again. I looked for things that had eluded me. I enjoy finding the odd things, the weird people, the nutballs, and even the saints. More importantly, I understand that with an appreciation of beauty comes hope. I no longer despair.
Music has real power.
6 comments:
I once described my depression to someone as this:
imagine the happiest possible moment of your life, something that is so incredible that you can't imagine that life could possibly get better.
imagine that you are standing on the other side of a blurred pane of glass looking at that moment rather than experiencing it.
That's my depression.
if there's one thing I've learned over the years it's that everyone who's suffered from it has a 'depression narrative'. And it's entirely different for every person.
Thanks for sharing yours Joe.
-olly
Depression seems to be almost an inevitability, for those who think freely.
I have my own narrative to tell one day.
Great post! One that will give many a bit more hope methinks.
Damn man, I guess your right. I too have dealt with depression a majority of my life. No pill can ever truly help me, where nature can cure me. I have a similar story about finding that beauty in all things as well as the ugly and finding meaning beyond procreation. I used to sing "Mad world" or "December" when I was down. It is interesting to see that it is common.
The thing is, I would take any day of depression over a false hope of a heaven or an afterlife any day. Because at the end of the day, I still know who and what I am. Thanks.
I seem to have depressed days more and more frequently now. I haven't yet considered the possibility of it being related to me being an atheist. Perhaps it could be, but knowing that everything is pointless make me a lot happier than worshiping some god.
Music has real power to heal. I do not know what I will do with out it. And thank goodness for iPods. They are so much better than Prozac.
thankyou for this post, it's really helped me.
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