Deep Thoughts: The end of a long day

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

The end of a long day

When I emptied my pockets at the end of a long day, I had this thought that I must let the day go. Yet it stays with me still. I think I’m working too hard. I’m being audited by my corporation’s internal audit group. It’s crazy stressful. I simply cannot put it out of my mind. At least I took a picture today. That’s a start, right?

I had an odd conversation about love today. A woman I know told me she wants to start a blog. When I asked what she wanted to write about, she said “love”. I asked her, “why love”. She said that by writing about love she could learn to keep love in her life. I guess love is always escaping her. She want to write and talk about how to keep a hold on the person you love. the tips and tricks one could use to monitor the love level our your partner. She asked me how I do it, how I keep my wife these many years. I told her I don’t try to keep my wife. That the very idea seems odd. My wife is not mine to keep, nor am I hers to keep. We are partners, and that is why it’s worked for the last 28 years.

My friend thinks of love as a possession. I think of things as possessions, but people as individuals. Possessing a person seems like an odd definition for love. I just don’t get it.

Technorati tags: Love, Blogging

Comments (13)

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toomanytribbles · 850 weeks ago

mojoey, this is another excellent picture. i love how the bills look -- and i smiled with the class ring.

stay calm. things change.

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1 reply · active 849 weeks ago

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Mojoey 107p · 849 weeks ago

thanks tribbs, today was better.

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1minion · 850 weeks ago

That woman ought to read Steve Salerno's book, too - SHAM - about the self-help industry and how it's harming more than it helps. Those books about relationships never quite measure up and often cause more problems than they can actually solve.

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mikespeir · 850 weeks ago

"Possessing a person seems like an odd definition for love. I just don’t get it. "

Maybe "possessing a person" goes too far, but surely you feel some sense of entitlement where your wife is concerned. If she were suddenly snatched away from you, would you feel angry about it? Why?

Of course, this is coming from a guy with two divorces behind him....

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1 reply · active 849 weeks ago

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Mojoey 107p · 849 weeks ago

I have expectations. We share the same commitments. If she were to cut and run I would be confused more than anything.

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Carolyn Ann · 850 weeks ago

People aren't possessions, as you point out. Love is something we have, but not something we can demand reciprocation for. I often think that those who chase love, don't really want it. What they want is affirmation of themselves. And those who try and understand it should try reading poetry, listening to (good) music about it - there are a zillion songs out there about it! - and hopefully come to the realization that love is impossible to understand.

Mikespeir, there is no sense of entitlement in my marriage. I feel very lucky to be married to a wonderful woman, and that's all I can expect. I'm not entitled to anything beyond that! If she were suddenly snatched away from me, yes I would feel angry. But that's different to any entitlement.

Re the audit: they are stressful! I've been through a couple, at least. And for one project I specifically hired a firm to audit the project. I never tried to get the auditors on my side, and I never obfuscated, hid or otherwise tried to deceive them. (On the other hand, I wasn't exactly gushing with volunteered information, either.) I got good reviews; the two managers who did all they could to sway the auditors should have lost their jobs - their reports were so bad. Good luck with it!

Carolyn Ann

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1 reply · active 849 weeks ago

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Mojoey 107p · 849 weeks ago

I feel luck too. Like I won the lottery or something.

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mikespeir · 849 weeks ago

Obviously, I can't speak to anyone else's relationships, but I find that odd. When one spouse makes a pledge--the kind one makes during a wedding ceremony, for instance--I tend to think the other spouse is entitled to expect that pledge will be kept.

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3 replies · active 849 weeks ago

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Mojoey 107p · 849 weeks ago

Within certain limitations. It's a two way street. Both side must keep their pledges.

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mikespeir · 849 weeks ago

Sure, Mojoey, but what's the point of a pledge if we can't expect it'll be kept? I think we're entitled to have people keep their word to us. Sure, things might transpire to render a pledge null and void. Outside of that, though, a pledge is an obligation, even when it's inconvenient.

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Carolyn Ann · 849 weeks ago

There's no imposing of anything on others. If you demand some sort of conformance to an agreement - you might get it, but it won't be as willing, or as trusting, as when the other simply does it because they want to please you.

(My) Marriage is not an arrangement based on obligation - it's based on a desire to mutually support each other, be with each other and a desire to see each other. I like to make her laugh, to hear her viewpoint, and so on. There's no obligation, per se.

I once knew a couple who had a relationship that was had a lot of "obligation" in it. Being around them, you felt like one was the employee, the other a rather demanding boss. It wasn't a relationship based on mutual respect and adoration, that's for sure!

But, I'm not in the marriage counseling business. One thing I've learned is that we all have to make our own decisions, our own mistakes and our way in the world. It's nice if your partner joins you in that journey, but she's under no obligation. She (or he) has her own journey. That's all - there's no obligation. There's a hope, not a demand, that your partner participates in your journey.

Carolyn Ann

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GingerRed 95p · 849 weeks ago

Great post, and I agree completely.

Marriage is a partnership. That partnership, at least in my case, is based on our family first, and working for a better life together. That's it. Sometimes only one of us is capable of doing most of the emotional giving. Instead of keeping score and demanding more balance, we support one another through the ups and downs, and we are patient with each other.

I've found in relationships I've observed that the ones complaining about not getting what they need are often not willing to give the other partner what they need. It's all about them. That's the problem. In a family, sometimes you have to suck it up and think about the greater good. There are not just tough days, but sometimes tough years. Eleven years in on a very strong marriage, I've found we can survive just about anything the world throws at us, because we refuse to turn on eachother.

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